Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Enjoy the penises
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
