i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
sarcasm needs its own font
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
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