I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
Randomize
