i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
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