I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
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