apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
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