Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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