I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
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