what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Randomize
