Hey man sorry I got all grabby
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
