I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
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