Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Randomize
