Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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