The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
