the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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