He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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