This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
