my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
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