i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
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