My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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