Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
