I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Randomize
