Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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