Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
