I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
