i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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