what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
