Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Randomize
