When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
