i don't plan on having that self control this summer
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
I have fence marks all over my body
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
