Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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