ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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