Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
