me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Randomize
