eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
I just found a bag of teeth...
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
Randomize
