A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Randomize
