Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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