Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
