You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Randomize
