1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
