Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
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