There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Randomize
