I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
