What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
