You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
