just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
