im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
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