his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Let the clothes fall where they may.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
