do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
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