I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
