Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Randomize
