I wanna bring you to show and tell
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
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