we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
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