I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
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