i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
