so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
So question, would you consider it morally wrong to grind up Cialas and put it in ones cocktail? Then I get what I want and he doesn't have to be embarrassed and he can win the mental game with himself? I'm only thinking of him...
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
