You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
