I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
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