i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
