I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
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