Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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