I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize