So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
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