then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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