when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
Randomize
