my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
