I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
