The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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