fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
