Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
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