bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Randomize
