put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
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