So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
