i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
