mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
zippers are such a cool invention
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
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