I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
