Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
Randomize
