I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Randomize
