so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
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