I'm going to jail i love you
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
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