Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
My underwear smells like fireworks.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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